Unarmed and Dangerous?
by bigbiznizz
Summary: In need of money, Phil and Keely apply for a job at the mall, not knowing that would soon find themselves in security suits and hunting down a mysterious intruder. Yet, if this guy plans on getting away, he's gonna have to get through Pickford security...
1. Chapter 1

Issue #3- "Unarmed and Dangerous?"

Alright, the series is going well and I'm already on my third issue. I'm happy to see that many of you enjoyed the second issue, but here's a brand new one that I'm sure you guys will enjoy. If you just _imagine_ my stories coming to life, being acted out in real episodes, then you'll really enjoy them. Anyway, let's get down to business then and allow me to present to you "Unarmed and Dangerous?", the third follow-up in "The Misadventures of Phil and Keely". Enjoy...

Unarmed and Dangerous?

**Chapter 1**

On a quiet, unexciting afternoon, Phil and Keely are found slouched down on a couch in the Diffy household, watching television.

"There's absolutely nothing to watch on TV," Keely said, as she sat and stared at the television. "We've been forced to endure four, grueling hours of the home decorating channel. This is boredom at its _worst_...pure torture! What do you think?"

Phil, unaware of what exactly Keely asked, responded, "Well, I think the lavender complements perfectly with the satin drapes. The lightly colored tulips add an elegant touch to the overall feel of the room. Yet, that indigo lamp, it soooo has to go. It takes away from the room's charm."

"What did you say?" Keely asked, shocked from hearing what he just said.

"I said, uh...this stuff is pure torture! I mean, who wants to see a couple of people decorating some dumb, old house. Only...only losers that have no life watch this and lemme tell you, I'm...I'm definitely _not_ one of those people," Phil replied, nervously.

"Sure...whatever you say, Philly-Willy," Keely said, rolling her eyes with a playful grin on her face.

"Keely, we made a deal with the New-Ager that you would _never, ever_ call me that again. How many times do I have to remind you of this?"

"Sorry, buddy," Keely replied. "I couldn't resist the opportunity. Anyway, that still doesn't solve our boredom problem. Got any suggestions?"

"We can always go to the movies. I heard there's this new, kung-fu movie playing, where this guy takes on _fifty_ ninjas, armed with _only_ a chopstick..."

"As exciting as that sounds," Keely commented, looking in her pockets, "I really don't have that much money."

"Come to think of it, I think I'm also a little on the broke side," Phil said, losing enthusiasm from his idea.

Suddenly, Pim stomped into the living room, in an angry manner.

"Uh, what's up with you, lil' sis?" Phil asked, wondering what all the ruckus was about.

"What's up...what's up...I'll tell you what's up! When I went into your room earlier to steal, errr...I mean, borrow, some money, I opened up your wallet and jumped back to see an _entire civilization_ of spiders crawl out of it. You have no cash at all! Now, I'm gonna have to practice my, good, little girl act and try to get some money outta Mom and Dad. I hope you're happy!"

She stomped back out of the room, practicing what lines she's going to use on her parents.

"Keely, cross out what I just said earlier. I'm more than just a little on the broke side...I tip the whole scale! I'm so broke that I don't even think I can say the word because it costs too much!"

"Calm down, Phil. We just need to get a job and then we'll be making money in no time."

"Maybe you're right, Keel. I mean, the Doggie Daycare business was alright while it lasted, but we need something more long-term.

"Wait a second," Keely said, realizing a solution to their dilemma. "I saw an ad at the mall saying that they were hiring for a job. They still have a couple of positions open. If we hurry, maybe we'll be able to apply for the job."

"Ah, that's great and all, but exactly what kind of job are we looking at here, Keely?

"Who cares?" Keely replied. "It's a _job_ and they're _paying_ people to do it so, let's go."

"I guess...if you insist," Phil agreed.

Phil and Keely immediately proceeded to head to the mall, in which they hoped to apply for this, unknown job, not knowing what they were about to get themselves into...


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Once the two of them arrived at the mall, they headed straight to the front office, to talk to the employer for the jobs. They tried to make themselves look professional before they walked in, by fixing their hair and clothes. Hopefully, it would better their chances of getting the jobs.

"Shouldn't we have dressed up a little more _formal_?" Phil asked, looking at his wrinkled shirt and faded jeans.

"It's alright," Keely replied. "It's not like employers actually hire people based on their _appearance_. We just have to walk in, acting mature and professional and the employer won't even hesitate to hire us."

"...But don't you think we're making a bad, first impression. I mean..."

"I said, there's nothing to be worried about, Phil," Keely interrupted, as they slowly made it, in front of the employer's counter.

"Oh sure, you make it sound _sooo_ easy, Keel. I know that I may not exactly understand everything in this century, but I do know that getting a job isn't like a walk in the park. We're not just gonna walk in and hear the employer say..."

"You're hired," the employer interrupted, upon seeing the teens walk up to his counter.

The both of them froze, looking happy, shocked, and confused, at the same time.

"Well, Keely, I...uh...guess you were right," Phil murmured. "I never knew getting a job would be so easy in this century."

"Umm, neither...did I," Keely murmured back, still frozen from the employer's remark.

The employer noticed the puzzled looks of Phil and Keely so, he explained why he hired them so quickly.

"You two kids are the first ones, in weeks, that we've seen, who wanted to apply for these positions. I was starting to get frustrated until I saw you two and I assumed that, since you weren't here to deliver our pizzas...you _must_ be here about the jobs."

"Why hasn't anyone come to apply for the jobs?" Phil asked.

"To tell you the truth, I really don't know. Anyway, forget about it because you guys just solved my problem. Allow me to congratulate the two newest...actually, only...additions to Pickford mall security."

"Security!" Phil and Keely exclaimed.

"Yeah, were you guys expecting to deliver flowers or something," the employer replied. "We have enough workers in all the departments, but we definitely need some security guards.

"Nothing suspicious ever goes on around here," Keely said. "It's Pickford!"

"Or so you think, young lady. I've encountered many shoplifters in my time, but they always seem to sneak around at all hours of the night. That's why I'm assigning you two the night shift."

"Night shift!" Phil and Keely exclaimed, again.

"Ah, it ain't that bad," the employer said. "Plus, I'll make it worth your while with a couple of satisfying paychecks."

"Since you put it that way, sir," Phil replied, as he eyes widened up. "Meet your two new security guards."

"Yup, so when do we start?" Keely asked.

"Great, you two can start...tonight, at seven-thirtry. Here's your uniforms. We had to get 'em from the last security guards who worked here."

"What happened to them?" Phil asked, starting to doubt if getting this job was a good idea.

"Oh, let's just say they ran into a little incident at the food court regarding a couple of banana peels and a dozen boxes of mustard. Never heard from 'em again. It's a shame too. They were top-notch security guards. They best I had ever seen..."

Phil and Keely both looked at each other, wondering if their fate might be the same.

"Well, what kind of cool, security gear are we gonna get? Keely asked. "Handcuffs, pepper spray..."

"How about a couple of crime-fighting flashlights and these new, state-of-the-art walkie-talkies," the employer said, enthusiastically.

"That's it," Phil responded, unimpressed. "That's all we have to use to catch criminals."

"It's all you're really going to need. Now, enough chit-chat, you two grab your uniforms, gear and run along. Your shift starts in a few hours and I want you to get a little rest before you get back here."

They listened to their employer and went back to Phil's house to get a little r&r before they go to work. About three hours later, they suited up and got ready to begin their first night of work.

"Only some flashlights and walkie-talkies," Phil blurted, as he was grabbing his gear. "What are we supposed to do if something serious happens? I think I'll just take my Wizrd and the invisi-spray with me, just in case..."

"Hey Keely, are you ready yet?"

"Ready to roll," Keely replied, as she grabbed her flashlight and walkie-talkie.

"Wait, we forgot one more thing," Phil said, as he reached into his pocket. "We gotta go to work in style..."

He pulled out two pairs of sunglasses, which he and Keely both put on.

"_Now, _we're ready to roll. Pickford mall security is officially on-duty..."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The street lights began to glow and flicker, as an energetic Phil was standing in front of the "so-called dangerous" Pickford mall alongside an annoyed Keely, with her hands over her ears.

"Phil!" Keely yelled out of frustration, "Could you _please_ be quiet! You've been singing the "Cops" theme song over and over for ten minutes!"

"I can't help it, Keel," Phil replied. "Duty calls and I'm suddenly feeling an urge for justice. An urge to rid this great mall of wrong-doers. I'm ready to lay down the law and enforce it."

"Well, I can't say I feel the same way," Keely responded, as she looked at their uniforms. "I mean, look at us. We're working the night-shift, armed with only a couple of walkie-talkies and some flashlights...which happen to need some more batteries. Plus, our uniforms aren't even authentic. You're wearing a shirt with a ripped name-tag that says_, Bill_, across the front of it."

"Yeah, I bet Bill would be proud. Come on Keely, let's get inside and fight some crime!"

Phil and Keely passed through the main entrance to the inside of an empty, desolate mall.

"Hey, look at all this chaos. There are just tons of evil-doers lurking around in the shadows," Keely said, sarcastically.

"I know, Keely. Just make sure you stay alert and on your feet. Who knows what could happen at any moment?"

"Phil, you've gotta be kidding me. It's so quiet in here that I can hear my whisper echo across the entire mall. Look at that, even the crickets are asleep!"

"Maybe you're right. We just have to find a little something to do in the meantime to help the time pass by. Come to think of it, there's _nobody_ else here. We have the whole mall to ourselves."

"That's true," Keely agreed, as she looked around the vast building. "Maybe this job won't be so bad after all."

The two of them proceeded to roam across the mall, enjoying and goofing around at every department they had in sight. In fact, they were having so much fun, they managed to forget all about their job and looking over the mall.

"Hey, let's head over to the food court," Phil said, as he pointed in the direction. "We might be able to whip up a couple of smoothies from the smoothie machine. You simply have not _lived_ until you've had a double, strawberry-banana-chocolate, razzle-dazzle, tropical islander twist smoothie..."

"Are you sure, Phil?" Keely asked. "I mean, I don't know if we're authorized to do that."

"Keely, listen. We're _mall security_. We have to put our lives on the line to maintain the order of this very mall. I think we _deserve_ to treat ourselves to a couple of smoothies. We can do whatever we want."

Phil and Keely went to the food court and treated themselves to a couple of smoothies, just as Phil insisted.

"I'm really enjoying this job," Keely said, after gulping down her smoothie. "I can't believe how easy it is. We haven't ran into any problems or complications, yet. We can just sit around, goof off, talk, laugh..."

"Speaking of laughing, I have this hilarious joke you just gotta hear," Phil said, trying to remember the joke. "Okay, okay, here it is. A police officer, a judge, and a criminal walk into a bar. They all sat down and told each other about their day. The judge said, "Phew, I must've had a dozen criminals enter my courtroom today." Then, the police officer said, "Phew, I must've chased at least a dozen criminals today." Finally, the criminal says..."

"Phew, I must've tried to open at least a dozen cash registers today," an unknown voice mumbled, from across the mall.

"Aww, Keely...why didn't you tell me you heard this one before?"

"Wait, Phil," Keely whispered, looking around her. "That wasn't me..."

Phil looked around for a minute also, wondering what was going on. "Hmm, either someone else is in this mall with us or we are in serious need of a psychologist..."


	4. The Climatic Conclusion

**Chapter 4**

"Looks like we have ourselves a little company," Keely said, as grabbed her flashlight and walkie-talkie. "I just _knew_ this job was too good to be true."

"Yeah, me too," Phil said. "But what can you do when duty calls?"

"Not pick up the phone," Keely replied, humorously.

"Ha, ha...it was a rhetorical question. Now, let's quit wasting time and apprehend this shoplifter real quick. I want to get back to my break."

Phil and Keely tip-toed quietly around the mall on full alert, in hopes of finding the whereabouts of the shoplifter. The duo soon realized that this task wasn't going to be as quick as they thought it would.

"Phil, we are never going to find this guy," Keely said, frustrated. "We've searched through numerous departments and hallways for nearly half an hour."

"Don't give up yet, Keel. I think I might have a little gadget that will help us in our search," Phil said, reaching into his pockets. "Ah, found it."

"What gadget do we have with us today, Mr. Diffy," Keely replied.

"It's a little something on my Wizrd called the Ultrasonic Ear. It allows the user to hear even the slightest sound in a 500 mile radius."

"Wow, I'll tell ya, that Wizrd can do _anything_," Keely said.

"Well, not exactly. It won't save you any money on car insurance," Phil replied, humorously. "Anyway, all I have to do is set the frequency and point the Ultrasonic Ear in the direction I want."

Phil proceeded to listen through his Ultrasonic Ear to clue in on the criminal. Much to his delight, he was able to pick up a few readings in the mall.

"Great!" Phil exclaimed. "I think I now know the location of our suspect. Based on these readings, our shoplifter should be somewhere near the shoe department. Come on, let's go."

Once they were at the shoe department, the two of them surrounded the area, blocking out all of the shoplifters' possible exits. As Phil approached the departments' cash register, he caught a glimpse of the suspect.

"Ah ha!" Phil shouted, shining his flashlight on the suspect. "I caught ya red-handed. Put your hands in the air and don't try any funny business. Keely, I found our thief! Hurry up and get over here!"

Just as Phil took his eye off of the suspect, he took off, knocking down a wall of shoe boxes for a distraction.

"You'll never catch me, copper," the thief said, while he was running off.

"Actually, I'm a security guard, but thanks for the compliment!" Phil shouted, at the running suspect. "Keely, Keely, we've got a runner at ten o'clock. Do you read me?" Phil said, into his walkie-talkie.

"Yeah, I read ya, Phil," Keely replied. "Except it's only eight-thirty, not ten o'clo..."

"Just go run after him!" Phil interrupted. "He's coming in your direction."

Just as the criminal was running out of the shoe department, Keely caught sight of him. She was on the move, chasing him around the toy department, nail salon, and then, around the arcade.

"Phil, I can't keep up with him. He's too fast. I need some backup. He's heading toward the food court. I'll meet ya there."

"Alright," Phil replied, sprinting out of the shoe department. "We're gonna stop this guy dead in his tracks."

After a long run across the mall, Phil reached the food court, where he saw the suspect running ahead and Keely far behind, out of breath.

"I'm here, Keely," Phil said, catching up to her. "This guy isn't gonna make it much further."

"I don't think I'm gonna make it much further," the thief said to himself. "I need another distraction to throw these guys off track. Hold on, there's a couple of banana peels near the smoothie machine. Perfect, let's see them try to get past this."

The thief ran over to the smoothie machine and grabbed the banana peels, which he concealed in his pocket. When Phil and Keely started to close in on him, the thief threw the banana peels behind him, out of his pocket.

"Banana peels!" the two of them shouted. "The cause of the disappearance of the last two security guards."

However, the moment they shouted the warning, it was too late. Keely slipped on one of the banana peels and dove head-first into...a wall of mustard boxes!

"Keely!" Phil shouted, fearing she might've been seriously hurt. "Trying to hurt my friend will ya, you're definitely not getting away from me now."

The chase continued and the thief was getting closer and closer to the main exit of the mall. It was the moment of truth. Phil needed to do something quick before this guy got away.

"What am I gonna do?" Phil thought to himself. "He's too far ahead of me. I'll never be able to catch up to him. Wait...the exit sign! If I can just zap that sign with my Wizrd, it could fall right on top of him! However, I only have one chance, I gotta make it count."

Phil grabbed the Wizrd out of his pocket and carefully aimed it toward the exit sign. Sweat started to flourish all over him and his heart pounded furiously. The thief was just steps away from getting away with the shoe departments' money.

"One...two...three!" Phil yelled, pressing the button on his Wizrd.

A stream of laser light launched from the Wizrd and missed the exit sign!

"What! I...I ...missed," Phil said, watching his shot clearly miss the sign.

Yet, miraculously, the laser light managed to hit a glass window near the exit, which ricocheted back to the exit sign, as it fell on top of the now-apprehended, criminal.

"Heh, a bullseye!" Phil exclaimed, wondering how the laser ever managed to bounce back to the sign.

Phil was so relieved that he almost forgot about Keely's accident back at the food court. He rushed over to her aid.

"Keely, are you okay?" Phil aksed, with a worried expression on his face.

"I think I'll be fine," Keely replied, getting up on her feet. "Did you catch the thief?"

"Yup, because of some...strange reason, I was able to get him."

The duo headed back over to the fallen thief, to report him directly to the police.

"Thought you could _actually _get away, huh?" Phil asked, looking into the eyes of the criminal.

"Yeah, well I could've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you meddling kids..."

"Okay, okay, pal...enough with the classic TV catch-phrases. They're not gonna help you where you're going," Keely interrupted.

"I don't know about you, but I think this job is a little _too_ much for me," Keely said.

"You're tellin' me, " Phil replied. "I'm completely done with this whole crime fighting thing. I'll just leave it to the pros. Let's go home."

The two, sweaty, worn-out, ex-security guards headed home, back to their simpler _and safer_ lives.

"Ten-thirty, if we hurry, we might still be able to catch the last episode of the home-decorating channel marathon...," Phil mumbled.

"What was that, Phil?" Keely asked.

"Oh, nothin'," Phil replied, smiling to himself. "Nothin' at all..."


End file.
